If you’ve been thinking about finding someone you love, Valentine’s Day could be a terrific motivator to get started. These suggestions will help you improve your odds.
Just because the rest of the world seems to be obsessed with romance on a single day in February doesn’t mean you have to. It’s an excellent excuse to consume chocolate for happy singles.
If you’re thinking about finding someone you love on Valentine’s Day, the holida
y could be a fantastic motivator to get started.
Our experts provided the following 12 suggestions to help you improve your chances:
1. The approach of “you’ll find someone you love when you’re not looking” may be incorrect.
Pepper Schwartz, a relationship expert and sociology professor at the University of Washington, compared it to stating, “You’ll get a job when you least expect it.” It’s conceivable, although it happens infrequently.
“People who wait for a job are, for the most part, unemployed,” she noted. “It’s basically an excuse for me not to go out and put in the work.” Yes, that occurs, but it is not an effective technique.”
Schwartz agrees with the concept behind that adage: “Don’t be desperate.” Make an attempt to find someone, but don’t act as if any living being will suffice.
2. Find a group of people who share your interests.
You can avoid singles events if you don’t enjoy them, but you must attend somewhere where you can meet people, according to Schwartz. Join social groups or meet-ups; volunteer for a cause you believe in; or join a political party. At the very least, you’re doing something you enjoy, and at the very worst, you might meet someone who shares your interests.
To find a large pool of eligible individuals, bite the bullet and attempt online dating, according to Schwartz. Try a different dating site if you’re already online.
3. Take a break from your phone.
According to Bela Gandhi, a contributor and founder of the Smart Dating Academy in Chicago, “good men and decent women are around if you seek.” She’s always shocked at how people moan about not meeting anyone, then go out and spend the entire time staring at their phones.
Be present wherever you are and look around the room to see who is staring at you. She recommended making three seconds of eye contact with the cute stranger and smiling, as this will invite him to come over and talk to you.
4. Look for partnership rather than romance.
According to Tina B. Tessina, a California psychotherapist known as “Dr. Romance” and author of “How to be Happy Partners: Working it Out Together,” romance is for dates, and it’s wonderful to have on occasion in your marriage, but it’s partnership that will get you through the tough times.
“Don’t expect to be swept off your feet by someone. She said, “That signals a control freak, and you won’t like what happens subsequently.” “Find someone who enjoys giving and receiving, who asks for and considers your viewpoint, and who is concerned about what you want.”
5. People are drawn to happy people.
Perhaps the most important factor in your inability to find love is that you don’t feel good about yourself. Schwartz recommended, “Really focus on liking yourself and liking your life.” You have to be the kind of person you’d like to meet.
“You diminish your odds of being in the right environment for the right kind of person if you’re not a cheerful, optimistic, self-confident person,” she added.
Visit a therapist to figure out why you’re depressed; get a personal trainer if you haven’t been exercising; and consult a nutritionist to start eating well. Recognize that you have the ability to become less bashful.
“The concept is that you have to practice for everything, even love,” Schwartz explained. “You are free to work on yourself.” Unless you’re dead, you’re not a finished product.”
6. Make time for solitude.
After a divorce or any breakup after a long relationship, Nicole Baras Feuer, a divorce coach with Start Over Smart in Westport, Connecticut, recommends taking some time to be alone.
“If you have time to recover, spend time alone to find out who you are again, and think on what went wrong, you will be in better place to meet the ‘right’ person,” Feuer says. “So you don’t keep making the same mistakes.”
7. Sexual attraction is often fleeting.
According to Gandhi, most good love is a gradual burn that takes time to grow. She believes that attraction is vital, but that you don’t have to feel it right away because the quick spark is more about lust than actual connections.
Give individuals a fair chance because emotions can evolve and deepen over time, according to Feuer.
8. Be wary of the adage that “opposites attract.”
At initially, opposites appeal, but there will almost certainly be big friction points along the line.
According to Dr. Gail Saltz, a New York psychiatrist, like-minded people make for smoother and healthier long-term relationships. The more you agree on, the less you’ll have to dispute and compromise over.
9. Develop the mindset of a ‘psychotic optimist.’
“That means you believe you’ll find love at whatever cost; love is destined for you and will come to you, so you simply have to date like hell until you find it,” Gandhi explained.
Once you’ve convinced yourself that true love is indeed out there for you, adopting a “psychotic optimist” perspective will make dating more enjoyable. Gandhi advises dating three to five individuals at once until you meet someone with whom you can be exclusive. Dating does not imply sleeping with someone, but rather “casually getting to know.” She advises waiting until you’re in a committed, exclusive relationship before having sex.
10. Recognize your own requirements.
Do you require a large amount of space? Do you want a lot of love? Do you need to know what’s going on at all times?
“It doesn’t matter what your style is; you just have to know it and be able to communicate it to your prospective spouse.” “If you both know what you need, you can coach each other,” Tessina remarked.
11. Recognize the difference between having a good time and developing a genuine relationship.
“If you’re careful and have safe sex, you can screw around with anyone,” Tessina said. “However, remember that when you bring someone into your life, whether it’s to share money or living space, they’ll carry baggage with them.”
She recommended that the person you’re dating be on their best behavior at first. It only gets worse as time goes on, so learn what’s concealed before going too far.
12. Don’t hanker after someone who isn’t available.
Make the decision to let go of someone who isn’t interested in you or who isn’t there for you, and move on.
“See it as a vast dark black abyss that you must climb out of or you’ll be buried in it,” Schwartz urged.